I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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