Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
