He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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