You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
