his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize