happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
