I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
