I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize