That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
