I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
