don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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