stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
