if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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