You just made me feel so damn special
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
