i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You did what with his pubic hair?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
