chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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