I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
