Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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