Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
