There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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