Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
