I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
