I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
