Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
this beer tastes like vomit already
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
