It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
