i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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