literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
