his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
