I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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