Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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