Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
