You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
