sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
