my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
