She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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