i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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