I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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