ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
