I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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