ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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