Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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