You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
