Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
