Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
