new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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