found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize