My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
