how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
