I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
