This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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