I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
