If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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