Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
