No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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