The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
