he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
